Journal Entry

Post date: Nov 11, 2008 8:21:4 PM

I fear myself.  Is that right? No. I think its more, I fear for the people that I will someday rule.  I am not a ruler and never will be.  If the council gives me mayoralty I will turn it down and walk away.  I can not rule, in my heart of hearts I can not be bound by laws or politics to lead my hand.  A road with no end is my quest.  But I fear my life is played out before me. Before I can actually understand what I am suppose to do. 

Who says my grandfather is a tyrant? What is morality? What is good and what is bad?  If I take the throne will I be a better ruler then my grandfather or will the people call me a tyrant also.  Not so long ago even the Council of Houses were called tyrants for their treatment of the underclass.  Is my grandfather actually better then what will come after him.  Maybe he is holding off something more evil then him, something that in light of all my grandfather, would block out the sun from the evil inside him.  I can not say and yet I feel what he is doing is wrong.  Yet, he still is my grandfather and I fear I will not be able to hurt him. Maybe that is my weakness, the weakness of knowing when someone is doing something bad, yet to scared to doing anything about it.  What is it called, the Sin of Omition.

I thurst for knowledge, but I feel my life is in danger constantly.  I fear that my life will be taken away from me and my songs will be lost forever. 

Recently I have been thinking of immortality and the possible ways in obtaining it.  I know its just a fancy of my mind, but if I could find a practical way to sustain myself beyond the grave, I might take it.  I hope, if I do take it, it will not cause more harm to the friends around me.  But then again, they would be mortal. Would I still count them as my friends?